large garden full of beautiful flowers

Judith McHale, M.A., LPC
3420 East Shea Boulevard
Suite 215
Phoenix, Arizona 85028
602-953-5208




Imagine yourself standing in the midst of a large garden full of beautiful flowers, trees, birds, butterflies, bees, etc. In this particular garden, the flowers represent your feelings and the lifetime you have spent cultivating them. A chest-high picket fence surrounds the garden. Along one wall of the fence is a gate which opens onto a winding path that meanders through your garden, and ultimately ends at your heart.

As you stand in your garden enjoying your life, people come and go outside the fence. Every so often, one of them stops to talk with you, and, sometimes, after chatting for quite a while, after getting to know them, you may invite them into your garden through the gate.

Invariably, as they walk along the winding path to your heart, they will step on one or more of your feeling flowers. That's when it's important to have healthy boundaries. When someone steps on one of your flowers, if you know yourself and trust yourself enough, you will be able to tell them, "Excuse me, but you're stepping on one of my flowers."

When you set a boundary in this way, you may encounter a variety of responses:

• The person may say, "I don't need to hear that, I'm outta here!" and they hurry back through the gate, never to be seen again.

• Or, "Oh, yeah, you think that's bad, watch this!" as they cruelly grind your flower into the ground

• Or, "Thanks for telling me." And they continue on the path, only to step on that same flower yet again (and sometimes again and again)

If any of the above happens, it is important to set boundaries by firmly, yet gently, asking them to leave your garden until they have achieved the ability to walk in your garden more mindfully. Some of them will remain and talk to you over the fence. Some of them will want to learn more about setting boundaries. Some will go back through the gate, never to be seen again. But whatever they choose to do, it's about them, not you.

• And then, once in awhile, you may hear, "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Thanks for telling me." Those people never step on that particular flower again, careful to watch where they step, with consideration for your flowers. As they get closer to your heart, you can count on them stepping on another flower. Each each time, as you set your boundaries, they ask forgiveness and never step on that particular flower again. These are the people who can remain in your garden because they are willing to take ownership of their behavior. These are the people who are emotionally, spiritually, and physically safe.

Allowing a person access to your garden is a gesture of trust and intimacy. We make ourselves vulnerable. We can either experience affirmation or be wounded to the core. Boundaries offer protection from the emotional or physical assaults of others.

Healthy boundaries, though not perfect, allow a person to experience a comfortable interdependence with other people, resulting in generally functional relationship and positive self-regard.

Damaged boundaries operate inconsistently and often dysfunctionally. They are the result of mixed messages and abuse, and are usually related to abusive relationships in the individual's family of origin and/or relationships of choice.

Unlike the picket fence described earlier that surrounds your boundary garden, some people erect walls. Walls are often used to protect the person who has constructed them but do not let anyone or anything in or out. This person lives in a state of loneliness, possibly protected from the assaults of others, but also prevented from establishing trusting and intimate relationships. People with walled boundaries have generally been deeply hurt by others and have erected barriers to prevent being hurt again by others' actions, thoughts and feelings.

No boundaries is the opposite extreme of walls. A person with no boundaries is unable to prevent unwanted intrusions and may be unaware that it is possible to do so. Their flowers are quickly crushed and never have the chance to grow.

It is important to realize that setting boundaries, caring for your garden, is not about getting another person to change in order to keep your flowers safe. Setting boundaries is about taking responsibility for your own emotional, spiritual, and physical well being. Without the ability to set boundaries, intimate, vulnerable, loving relationships are impossible.

by Judith McHale, M.A., LPC

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I believe the unique therapist-client relationship must be centered in a spirit of safety, dignity and respect,. For the past twenty years, the majority of my practice has dealt with marriage and relationship challenges, grief counseling, divorce and separation issues, and family of origin dysfunction. I have written and facilitated weekend seminars for people dealing with divorce, separation and significant relationship breakups. Some of my other writings and seminars include "Opening Our Hearts to Relationships That Work," "Exploring the Shadow in Romantic Relationships," "Emotional Unavailability," and "Forgiveness and Freedom."